A Costa Cruise, a Cockroach, and me!

I've been reading with fascination about Captain Francesco Schettino's strange behaviour in the recent Costa Concordia disaster.

It must be incredibly difficult for an experienced sea captain to fall into a lifeboat and not be able to get back out. But having had experience of Italian crew ship members aboard a Costa cruise, I can't say I'm too surprised.

Many years ago I took a trip on the Achille Lauro (which eventually caught fire and sank in 1994). It was termed a 'luxury cruise ship'; an ambitious description.

On our first day in the cabin we were joined by a plump, satisfied, cockroach. I called the steward.

"There's a cockroach in our cabin."

His use of the English language inexplicably became a little hazier.

"Cockroach? I not understand."

"Down there. Look." I pointed at the cockroach which was cheerfully waving its antennae at us

He looked. "I not see anything."

Suddenly the cockroach sprung into action and scuttled enthusiastically towards my bed.

"THAT cockroach."

"Ah." There was a pause. And then, defensively, "It's come in from outside."

I gazed out of the porthole, at the deep waters of the Mediterranean.

"It must be a good swimmer."

He waved a nonchalant hand.

"Anyway, it's lucky."

"I don't need to know it's name. Just get it out of my cabin."

He turned to me, his English getting better as he became more excited.

"It is no problem. There is no problem him being here. NO PROBLEM. It is LUCKY to have a cockroach in your cabin. Ask anyone."

I glanced at the cockroach, which had reached my bed; no doubt in the process of slipping it's pyjamas under my pillow.

The Steward turned to leave. This conversation was not going in the right direction.

"I DO NOT WANT TO SHARE THIS CABIN WITH A COCKROACH. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE."

The cockroach was eventually removed, with the utmost hostility from the Steward; no doubt becoming a 'lucky' mascot for some other passenger.

And I was 'persona non grata' for the rest of the cruise.

All I can say is that if I had had to face that particular Steward in a tussle for a lifeboat...my money would have been on the Steward...

Why does Judy from Clapham still send me a Christmas Card?

What's your view of Christmas cards? A contributor to the downfall of forests? A canny way for the Post Office to get more money out of us? Or essential for imparting Christmas goodwill wishes?

There are of course the unbelievably flimsy ones; guaranteed to collapse in a nonchalant heap the minute someone opens a door. Believe me, the message conveyed by a card that's the quality of a sheet of Tesco's Finest Loo Paper says far more than the heart felt "Best wishes from Tim and Jane" that's invariably scrawled inside.

I'm still receiving a card from Judy of Clapham; the daughter of a family my parents met at a holiday camp in the seventies. They've obviously been interrogating my parents for my address, because I wouldn't know them if one of them landed on my head displaying a neon sign with their name on.

But I do know that the extremely spotty (and gobby) Judy ended up marrying Derek and they now have two spotty and most likely gobby heberts of their own. They also have a cat called Harrington. I'm never likely to meet them (or Harrington)and they've never received a card from me, so why do they do it?

My parents were obsessed with Christmas cards. Each year, out would come their handwritten list and each new arrival would be ticked off carefully and placed on the mantelpiece. Then, on Christmas Eve, they would spend a good couple of hours expressing their disgust over why Tony from Liverpool hadn't sent them a card; how they never liked him anyway and how he's never ever getting another Christmas card from them.

Give me strength.

Anyway,if you know me, don't worry if you didn't send me a card. I'm truly not bothered; friendship has far better ways of proving itself.

And if I didn't send YOU a card, it doesn't mean I don't like you. I just find the whole thing a bit daft.

Bah Humbug.